LONDON'S SECRET VILLAGE IS SEVEN HEAVEN

PICTURE POSTGUARD: No city on Earth matches London
for parades when the Guards put their best boot forward

Most people think the Whispering Gallery that runs around the inside of the dome of Saint Paul’s Cathedral is so called because of its peculiar acoustics. Granted, if you whisper against the wall at any point, someone with their ear pressed to another some distance away will hear you. But I have my own theory — after climbing the 259 steps I was so out of breath that a whisper is probably all that anyone can manage.

If you want to take photos from the gallery, which for some spoilsport reason isn’t allowed, get somebody to cause a distraction by testing the echo. The outraged attendant will be so busy chastising the culprit that he won’t notice you snapping away to your heart’s content.

You can get even closer to God by climbing the 271 additional steps — that’s 530 in all — to the Golden Gallery above the dome from where the views of some of London’s most famous landmarks will take what’s left of your breath away.

IT'S QUIET A VIEW: Looking down from the
Whispering Gallery in Saint Paul's Cathedral

Saint Paul’s is one of London’s top draws, and that often means standing in a long queue to get in, so go online, buy a London Sightseeing Pass and walk right up to the priority turnstile — you’ll be ushered straight through.

A London Pass brings considerable savings, and you get jump-the-queue admittance to more than 50 of the most popular attractions. These include Saint Paul’s, the Tower of London, the Tower Bridge experience, Shakespeare’s Globe, HMS Belfast, the Imperial War Museum, the Tate Modern and London Zoo. For sports fans there are free tours of Stamford Bridge, Wembley, Wimbledon, Twickenham and Lords. There are also discounts at shops, restaurants and bars, so the pass quickly pays for itself.

Not included, but worth every penny of the £23 fare (children £11), is the hop-on, hop-off open-top bus tour operated by Original Sightseeing Tours (several companies run buses, but this is by far the best. See www.theoriginaltour.com). If you’re lucky enough to board Scottish guide Rowan’s bus, you’re in for a treat. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that this all-singing, all-knowledgeable young lady can recite all 226 lines of Tam o’ Shanter — in Klingon — while dancing a Highland Fling. I hung on her every word as she kept us informed and entertained for two hours.

MY FARE LADY: Singing bus tour guide Rowan
entertains passengers. Below, Nelson's Column

For a live commentary tour with an English-speaking guide as opposed to the recorded multi-lingual version via earphones, opt for the Yellow Route. It takes in Trafalgar Square and Nelson’s Column, Buckingham Palace and the Changing of the Guard, Big Ben and the Houses of Parliament, the London Eye, Downing Street, Horse Guards Parade, Saint Paul’s and Tower Bridge plus many other sights that are familiar to countless millions from photos and television and cinema images.

Seeing them up close is a thrill, but you needn’t settle for a fleeting glimpse. Stay on board the bus if it suits your timetable, or hop off and on and go exploring to make the most of a visit to London, which isn’t complete without taking in a show.

Fans of musicals are spoilt for choice, with Les Miserables, Grease, Thriller, Chicago, Blood Brothers, Jersey Boys, We Will Rock You, Let It Be, Singin’ In The Rain, The Lion King, Phantom of the Opera, Billy Elliot, Shrek and Mamma Mia!, to name but a few, at theatres in and around the West End (www.londontheatreboxoffice.net).

For those who prefer drama and comedy there’s The 39 Steps, Yes, Prime Minister, Abigail’s Party and the world’s longest-running play, Agatha Christie’s The Mousetrap. If you’re heading to London soon, don’t miss Martin McDonagh’s darkly comic masterpiece The Cripple of Inishmaan which is at the Noel Coward Theatre until August 31. Oscar winner McDonagh (for his 2005 short film Six Shooter) is the guy who wrote and directed the 2008 cult comedy movie In Bruges. He’s my favourite contemporary playwright.

CATCH THIS: Murder mystery The Mousetrap
is the world's longest-running stage play

Sadly, the tiny theatre space above the Cock Tavern in Kilburn (125 Kilburn High Road; the nearest Tube station is Kilburn Park) has had to close after a recent inspection found its steep and narrow Victorian staircases failed to meet safety standards. However, artistic director Adam Spreadbury-Maher and his team are seeking a new home to continue their award-winning work.

Despite the curtain having fallen on the venue, there’s plenty of impromptu entertainment in the downstairs bar, which was full of Irish building workers and celebrity lookalikes the evening I dropped by.

It was surreal: Eartha Kitt was playing pool with Francis Rossi of Status Quo while Richard Gere, Danny DeVito, Father Ted milkman Pat Mustard and Placido Domingo stood around swilling pints of Guinness. Sir Ian McKellen sat muttering under his breath as he tore up beaten betting slips and tossed them over his shoulder, and Martina Navratilova was warned she’d be barred if she didn’t stop shouting and swearing. I thought I’d walked on to the set of TV comedy series Stella Street.

I’d never heard of Mercer Street or any of the other six thoroughfares that radiate from the Seven Dials plaza in Covent Garden, but discovery is the great delight of travel. In choosing to follow a recommendation and stay at the 137-room Radisson Blu Edwardian Mercer Street Hotel, I’m delighted to say I discovered what will in future be my London home from home. If it’s full, I’ll happily sleep in the broom cupboard.

SUITE DREAMS: My luxury room at the Radisson
Blu Edwardian Mercer Street Hotel, Seven Dials

As it was, I slept in a bed so big that it wouldn’t fit in my spare room, in a suite the size of a sprawling apartment with a large lounge area, separate dressing room, a marble bathroom full of complimentary luxury toiletries and the latest interactive Apple technology that lets you connect your iPod, iPad and iPhone to the big-screen TV. And, as in all Radisson hotels worldwide, there’s free wifi throughout.

The hotel entrance looks on to the plaza at the cheese-wedge point where Mercer Street and Monmouth Street meet opposite the Crown pub. The nearest Tube stations are Covent Garden (four minutes’ walk), Leicester Square and Tottenham Court Road (both five minutes).

Inside, the weird and wacky pieces of art in the public areas and in the Dial Bar (try the cocktails) and Restaurant reflect the far-from-stuffy taste of the hotel’s owners. When it comes to art I know what I like, especially when it needs no explaining, and I liked what I saw because it made me smile.

I haven’t seen the checklist that manager Dawn Thomas uses when interviewing job applicants, but I’ll bet a ready smile and a sense of humour score bonus points. Her mostly-young staff are super-presentable, super-helpful, highly-efficient and clearly happy to be working there. When the staff are content, so too are the guests.

As Matilda the Musical is playing to packed houses at the Cambridge Theatre just across the plaza, the hotel has put together a special pre-show package for parents and children. Stupendous Afternoon Tea, from 2 to 5pm in the Dial Bar, lives up to its name. Among the irresistible goodies presented on tiered plates are Ludicrously Lovely Lemon Loaf Cake, Tremendously Terrific Trifle and Fantastic Fondue. The price is £29.50 for adults and £13.75 for kids, who get a free copy of Roald Dahl’s Matilda.

TEA-RRIFIC: A young theatregoer tucks into her
pre-show Stupendous Afternoon Tea in Dial Bar

Monmouth Street is home to some great bars, cafes, restaurants, designer shoe and clothes shops (Irish fashion queen Orla Kiely is here) and chic boutiques. You’ll also find London’s longest-established French restaurant, Mon Plaisir, which has been in its present location since the 1940s and is a gem.

It gets very busy towards 9pm when service tends to slow a bit, but when you’re sitting in pleasant surroundings in good company and with the prospect of some fabulous food on the way (the onion soup is magnifique) the delay is negligible. Mon Plaisir is surprisingly good value too, with two courses from the set dinner menu for £22.95 and three for £24.95 every evening.

On the other side of the street, Hotel Chocolat’s basement Roast and Conch cafe offers a chocolate-themed menu, while upstairs it’s fun watching sweet-toothed shoppers fighting the urge to buy one of everything in sight. I bought a box of assorted centres for a pal of mine who’s the high priestess of a chocolate-worshipping cult who’ve been known to dabble in Black Magic, and she pronounced them the best she’d ever tasted. I can only take her word for it, because no one was offered the chance of giving a second opinion.

OUI TRIM: French restaurant Mon
Plaisir. Below, Murdock Barbers

A few doors along from Hotel Chocolat is Murdock Barbers and Gentlemen’s Store (www.murdocklondon.com) where, thanks to having been given a gift voucher, I was treated to a haircut (because they don’t do transplants).

Every couple of months I pay €10 in Dublin for a trim that takes no more than five minutes, but I was in Murdock’s chair for an hour, during which time, mercifully, I wasn’t once asked if I’d been or was going on any holidays this year.

When the barber eventually waved the rear-view mirror behind my neck, I made appreciative noises, stood up — and remembered to my embarrassment that I hadn’t gone to the cash machine and couldn’t give him a tip.

“That’s no problem, sir,” he said, but I felt obliged to buy something.

“Eh … I’ll take a wee bottle of that cologne there,” I said, and handed over my credit card.

“Certainly, sir. That will be £70, please.”

I nearly fainted.

If you fancy being pampered, Murdock’s Luxury Full Service deal of shampoo and haircut, wet shave, head massage and shoe shine costs £90.

CAERPHILLY DOES IT: Cutting a chunk of
cheese for a customer in Neal's Yard Dairy

Neal’s Yard, which is accessible from both Monmouth Street and Shorts Gardens, is home to several terrace cafes and salad bars offering a huge selection of vegetarian dishes, but the busiest locale is Neal’s Yard Remedies. For a flagship store it’s small, but every available space is packed with the UK’s biggest range of natural health and beauty products that are handmade from home-grown and sustainable organic ingredients in the company’s eco factory in Dorset (it’s remarkable what you learn when you nip into the nearest shop to escape a sudden downpour).

One Seven Dials shop I needed no excuse to nip into was Neal’s Yard Dairy at 17 Shorts Gardens (www.nealsyarddairy.co.uk) where they sell more than 50 hard, soft, blue and washed rind cheeses made from cow’s, goat’s and sheep’s milk. I’d jump at the chance to work there, because each day before they open for business the staff have to taste all the cheeses, the lucky devils, so they can discuss them with customers.

The dairy isn’t hard to find — just follow your nose. Once inside, inhale deeply and savour the marvellous mouthwatering aromas, which made me feel quite dizzy. Not as dizzy as I felt looking down from the Whispering Gallery in Saint Paul’s. And certainly not as dizzy as I felt when I paid £70 for a free haircut. It wasn’t cologne I needed after a shock like that, it was smelling salts.

Most visitors to London throw themselves into the hustle and bustle of big city life, arriving with exhaustively-researched lists of the most popular sights to see and things to do. But I’ll bet if you asked tourists in Trafalgar Square — which is only 10 minutes’ walk from Mercer Street — about Seven Dials, the vast majority would respond with blank looks, which is a shame.

Maybe these few observations will help spread the word about central London’s secret village, its feel-good atmosphere, great restaurants and superb shops. If so, I’ll be Dialighted.

˜For more information, see www.sevendials.co.uk (there’s a location map charting every shop, boutique and restaurant), www.visitlondon.com and www.visitbritain.com

TOWERIST ATTRACTION: A cruise boat on the
Thames passes the historic Tower of London

GETTING THERE

Aer Lingus flies to London Heathrow and Gatwick from Dublin, Cork and Belfast; to Gatwick from Knock; Heathrow from Shannon; and Luton from Waterford (www.aerlingus.com). Ryanair flies to Gatwick, Stansted and Luton from Dublin; to Gatwick and Stansted from Cork; Stansted and Luton from Kerry and Knock; and Stansted from Derry (www.ryanair.com). CityJet flies from Dublin to London City (www.cityjet.com). British Airways flies to Heathrow, Gatwick, London City and Stansted from Belfast (www.britishairways.com). Easyjet flies from Belfast to Gatwick, Stansted and Luton (www.easyjet.com).

STAY

The 4-star Radisson Blu Edwardian Mercer Street Hotel, 20 Mercer Street (020 7836 4300, www.radissonblu-edwardian.com).

EAT

LUNCH: Roast and Conch, Hotel Chocolat, 4 Monmouth Street (020 7209 0659, www.hotelchocolat.co.uk). DINNER: French restaurant Mon Plaisir, 19-21 Monmouth Street (020 7836 7243, www.monplaisir.co.uk); Dial Bar and Restaurant, Edwardian Mercer Street (020 7845 8607).

SAVE

A money-saving one-day London Pass costs £46 for adults and £29 for a child aged five to 15. A two-day pass is £61 (£46), three days £74 (£51) and six days £99 (£69). Add a Travelcard to your London Pass and enjoy unlimited travel on all Underground, bus, tram, Docklands Light Rail, overground trains and national rail services within zones 1 to 6. See www.londonpass.com or buy from the Ticket Booth, 11a Charing Cross Road, opposite the Garrick Theatre (two minutes’ walk from Leicester Square Tube station).

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REGENSBURG: THE BREW DANUBE

ALE-FRESCO: Enjoying a beer in the sunshine
in one of Regensburg's many outdoor cafe bars

And the award for the smoothest ever landing by an airline pilot goes to … Aer Lingus’s Captain Orla Clancy. Either the tyres on her Airbus were filled with feathers or the runway at Munich airport is made of marshmallows.

Either way, it was the softest possible start to my first visit to Bavaria, and more precisely to Regensburg where the BMW 3 Series is manufactured and they brew the most wonderful beer.

Another revelation was that the Danube which flows through this beautiful medieval city is brown, so Austrian composer Johann Strauss II, who composed The Blue Danube in 1866, must have been colour blind. Probably the most instantly-recognised piece of classical music, and my favourite, it was quickly adopted as Austria’s unofficial national anthem and is played on state television and radio at midnight every New Year’s Eve.

On the 12th century Stone Bridge over the river it was music of the green, white and orange variety that had drawn a small, appreciative audience around Limerick-born Pat Cooksey. This is the guy who wrote The Reason I Left Mullingar (1980), recorded most famously by The Fureys and Paddy Reilly and dedicated to the thousands of Irish labourers who left home to seek work on London’s building sites in the 1970s.

Pat’s comic classic The Sick Note, which he wrote in 1969, became a huge hit when the Dubliners in Europe and The Clancy Brothers in the US introduced it to packed houses on their tours.

PERFECT PITCH: Irish singer and
songwriter Pat Cooksey at his regular
spot on the Stone Bridge, below

Pat, 66, who commutes the 90 kilometres from Nuremberg where he lives, was in his regular daytime spot on the bridge belting out Raglan Road when I approached. If the pile of coins in his open guitar case was any indication, he’s hit the right note with passersby. He’s certainly popular in his adopted hometown, where tickets for his evening gigs are always in big demand.

Just over 900,000 out-of-towners including foreign visitors (mostly long-weekenders) chose to stay one or more nights in Regensburg last year, while more than three million spent a day exploring its lovingly-preserved architectural gems. We can thank Allied Bomber Command for there being so much to see — during World War Two they flattened the nearby Messerschmidt factory but spared the city.

Regensburg, which is 100 kilometres from Munich, is home to the wonderful Regensburger Weissbrauhaus restaurant with its in-haus brewery and meat from animals reared by the owner. Going by the size of the cuts, he must be running a German version of Jurassic Park. I had a couple of big wheat beers and a plate of succulent roast pork with what looked like a giant boiled potato. It turned out to be a super-absorbent dumpling that you cut in half and put face down in the gravy.

The development people at Valeda are missing a trick — if they buy every dumpling they can lay their hands on and stick broom handles in them they’ll have invented the mother of all mops. They’d wipe the floor with their rivals and clean up.

ORPHEE-LY NICE: Attic room in Hotel Orphee

The citizens of Regensburg, where vegetarians fear to tread, love their food and the restaurants don’t skimp on the portions. On my first night in town I dined in the restaurant of my hotel, the Orphee, where the rooms are full of antique furniture and the guests are full of fabulous food when they retire to their big beds which are as soft as Captain Clancy’s landing. I ordered a salad to start and a main course of ragout with cous cous and immediately regretted it when the waitress brought an allotment on a plate followed by a bucket-sized tureen teeming with chunks of delicious spicy lamb.

A quarter of the way through I thought of asking for a doggy bag, but I not only don’t have a dog, I don’t have an Irish wolfhound. The restaurant, which was packed, is open to all and reasonably priced.

The most expensive pint of lager I had during my stay in Regensburg cost €3, but the best was the one with which I washed down a great lunch of sausages, mashed potatoes and sauerkraut in Die Historische Wurstkuchl (Historic Sausage Kitchen) next to the Stone Bridge. Don’t expect an extensive menu — this place serves nothing but sausages, 6,000 of them a day in portions of six, eight or 10, and has been doing so for 900 years. The first customers were the men employed in building the bridge, but today the cosy interior and the terrace are packed all day long with office staff and tourists.

ARCHY-OLOGY: Remains of Roman
Porta Praetoria gate, built in 179AD

I visited the Sausage Kitchen during my walking tour with guide Michaela Ederer (tickets from the tourist information office at 4 Rathausplatz). We set off from the remains of Porta Praetoria, the 1,833-year-old stone gate in the northern wall of the Roman fortress Castra Regina that was built for the Third Italic Legion who, despite their name, were an upright body of men.

In the sixth century Castra Regina, by then called Reganespurc, was accorded the status of first capital of Bavaria. Six hundred years later, the Stone Bridge helped turn the city into one of the wealthiest in Europe by opening up lucrative trade routes that stretched east to Kiev, west to Paris and south to Venice.

Fast forwarding 500 years to 1663, Regensburg became the seat of the Imperial Diet of the Holy Roman Empire, but that distinction ended in 1806 when the empire was dissolved. This was probably because the Dieters could no longer resist the smell of all those sausages sizzling away in the Wurstkuchl as they made their way to and from their Weight Watchers sessions.

HIGH CHURCH: Saint Peter's Cathedral and,
below, the renowned Sparrows boys choir

Next stop on the tour was Saint Peter’s Roman Catholic Cathedral, built between 1275 and 1634 with the towers being a later addition completed in 1869. Accommodating 6,000 people, which is three times the population of 400 years ago (Regensburg is now home to 150,000 people), it’s one of the finest examples of French Gothic architecture and a bit of a rarity this far south.

The facade is festooned with more gargoyles than you’ll see in a Hammer horror film, plus many statues and carvings of knights and kings on horseback, while inside the statues of the Virgin and the Archangel Gabriel where the transepts and the nave meet are much admired, as is the silver high altar.

Saint Peter’s is packed on Sunday mornings when regular worshippers and visitors gather for mass and to hear the Regensburger Domspatzen (Cathedral Sparrows), the renowned choir that was conducted from 1964 to 1994 by Pope Benedict’s elder brother, Monsignor Georg Ratzinger. The Pope himself was Professor of Dogmatic Theology at Regensburg University.

The choir, composed of boarders and day pupils from the cathedral’s boys schools, have toured the world and sung for pontiffs, monarchs and heads of state. If you’re lucky enough to be in Regensburg when they’re there you’ll find it a very moving experience. I can’t claim to be in any way religious, but as I sat in the cathedral listening to the Sparrows I felt a lump in my throat.

DAS VINCI CODE: The mysterious north portal,
Schottenportal, of Saint James' Scottish Church

Saint James’ Scottish Church is the most notable building in the abbey complex known as Die irische Benediktinerklosterkirche St. Jakob und St. Gertrud, which is even more of a mouthful than one of those dumplings. Founded in the 12th century by Irish missionaries, the abbey had close links to the monastic school in Cashel, County Tipperary.

In 1577 a papal bull transferred the complex to monks from lowland Scotland, led by Abbot Ninian Winzet who was a fierce critic of Catholic-turned-Protestant church reformer John Knox. Their task, on the orders of Mary, Queen of Scots, was to train priests for missionary work back home, but it wasn’t until 1623 that the first one was dispatched.

The decorative and figurative carvings on the north portal of the church, the Schottenportal, have intrigued historians for centuries. Many are straightforward depictions of Christ, the Apostles, saints and Adam and Eve, but others are a mystery, and where mystery exists mysticism is soon attached.

Comparisons with the enigmatic Rosslyn Chapel not far from Edinburgh which features so prominently in The Da Vinci Code have lately been widely circulated, but there are countless more sceptics than theorists. The arguments about hidden messages and cryptic pointers to the location of the Holy Grail — one of the most popular theories — will no doubt rage until the Danube runs dry.

SCENT-SATIONAL: Snuff Museum

Not to be sniffed at is a visit to Regensburg’s quirky Snuff Museum in the former premises of the Bernard Snuff Factory at 3 Gesandtenstrasse (it should be called Gesundheit! Strasse). Forty varieties of snuff were produced here, and the aromas emanating from the original wooden machinery still hang in the air.

Quirky too is the Important European Golf Museum at 3 Tandlergasse where among the items on display is what’s claimed to be the world’s oldest golf ball dating from 1525 and a huge collection of clubs that charts the evolution of the game.

I’ve no great interest in golf, but at least I now know that before the club numbering system was introduced in the early 1930s by Spalding, players employed cleeks, brassies, mashies, spoons, baffling spoons, niblicks and jiggers.

The most interesting exhibits are a couple of rare Sabbath sticks, a throwback to the dark days of long ago when the killjoy Free Presbyterian Church of Scotland — the Wee Free — warned of damnation for those who dared to follow leisure pursuits on Sunday.

Sabbath sticks, therefore, were golf clubs disguised as walking sticks with the head hidden in the palm of the hand. When the undercover golfer was sure he was out of sight he’d upend his stick and wallop a few balls without fear of being denounced from the pulpit.

LOO-TIFUL: Schloss Thurn und Taxis was one
of the first European palaces with flushing toilets

Regensburg resident Franz von Taxis (1459-1517) eschewed the obvious career choice of becoming a cabbie and set up western and central Europe’s first successful widespread postal service.

Von Taxis was postmaster to Holy Roman Emperor Maximilian I from 1489 and King Philip I of Spain from 1504 and was granted a monopoly to carry both courtly communications and public mail, which turned out to be a licence to print money. At the height of its operations, the service employed 25,000 dispatch riders and mail coach crews. The hereditary monopoly — what I call heir mail — maintained until 1806, but that was OK, because by then Von Taxis’ descendants were sitting on a monstrous fortune.

In recognition of the services rendered by Franz and his descendants, the family was rewarded in 1812 with the gift of the eighth century Saint Emmeram’s monastery which they renovated, fancified and renamed Schloss Thurn und Taxis.

This 500-room palace, among the first in Europe to have electricity, flushing toilets and central heating, is now one of Regensburg’s most visited and beautiful historical buildings and home to 29-year-old Albert II, 12th Prince of Thurn and Taxis. When his father, Johannes, died in 1990, eight-year-old Albert became the world’s youngest billionaire. He’s still rolling in it, and invests a lot of time and money in his passion for motor racing. The lucky devil also owns a brewery, whose Thurn und Taxis beers are readily available throughout Bavaria.

BEER WE GO: Oktoberfest

This year’s Oktoberfest in Munich opens on September 22 and provides the perfect opportunity to see Regensburg. The festival is the world’s biggest annual booze-up, regularly attracting around six million thirsty revellers, but there’s only so much beer you can drink before the body rebels and pleads for mercy. There are few better ways of giving your liver a rest and your eyes a treat, if even for only a few hours, than a day trip to Regensburg which is an hour from Munich by bus or 90 minutes by train.

To see the city at its beautiful best, go in summer as I did when it’s a blaze of colour, all red and ochre rooftops and pastel-painted buildings. Guide Michaela assured me winter has its attractions too, with the place shrouded in snow and festive shoppers enjoying the Christmas market that’s smaller than but every bit as good as those in Prague, Krakow and Vienna, so a December visit is definitely on the cards.

My abiding memory of Regensburg, though, is sitting in the sun with Pat Cooksey playing his guitar and singing on the nearby Stone Bridge, the Danube flowing past just over my shoulder and a big glass of ice-cold lager and a plate of sausages in front of me. I can think of wurst places to be.

˜˜˜For more information, see www.regensburg.uk.com and www.germany.travel

SIZZLE DO NICELY: Historic Sausage Kitchen

GETTING THERE

Aer Lingus (www.aerlingus.com) flies daily to Munich from Dublin and on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday from Cork. Ryanair (www.ryanair.com) flies from Dublin on Wednesday, Friday, Sunday and Monday. Easyjet (www.easyjet.com) flies from London Gatwick, Stansted, Manchester and Edinburgh. British Airways (www.britishairways.com) flies daily from Glasgow. To visit Regensburg, take the train (www.bahn.co.uk) or the shuttle bus (www.airportliner.com/airportshuttle) from Munich.

STAY

The 34-room Grand Orphee Hotel, 8 Untere Bachgasse (0049 941 596020, www.hotel-orphee.de).

EAT

Die Historische Wurstkuchl, 3 Thundorferstrasse (0049 941 466210, www.wurstkuchl.de); Regensburger Weissbrauhaus, 6 Schwarze Baren Strasse (0049 941 5997703, www.regensburger-weissbrauhaus.de); Restaurant Orphee in the Grand Orphee Hotel (0049 941 52977).

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Why The French Laundry Matters

It doesn't take long for a culinary tradition to emerge. Tradition is not measured merely by the passage of time, but by the tenacity of how a practice is preserved. We commonly see "tradition" at the more prosaic end of the dining spectrum--annual clambakes, family recipe dry rubs, chili cook-offs. So often, high-end dining chases innovation, caught in fads and burning out once the public tastes shift. We've all seen the latest "it" restaurant filled to the brim one month and empty the next. While there is a place for these restaurants to push the envelope, there's also a need for classic stalwarts that maintain quality and consistency of cuisine. The latter is where The French Laundry fits, and that is why it is still relevant even so many years after the height of its acclaim.
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Oyster and Pearls - Sabayon of pearl tapioca, Island Creek oysters, white sturgeon caviar

At this point, a play-by-play review of The French Laundry would add little value. The Internet is littered with such, accompanied by photos much better than mine. I could wax poetic about the "oyster and pearls", how the savory sabayon coats your mouth, punctuated by the salinity of the caviar. I could go describing how the balance of spherical textures between the tapioca, caviar, and oysters gives the dish tactile variety that causes the flavors to linger as the orbs rolls around your tongue. Or I could simply direct you to the hundreds of reviews of this classic dish already permeating the ether.

As of this writing, there are 1,155 reviews on Yelp boasting an impressive 4.5 stars. Most of the one-star reviews are from people who've never even dined there. Common complaints are centered around the difficulty in securing a reservation. Indeed, it took an inside connection for me to manage my own, despite calling two months in advance (the earliest reservations are available). The other related protestation is related to the pretentiousness of the restaurant and its patrons. Spurned customers are a vocal group, especially when they don't even have the opportunity to pay the $270 for a meal.

I understand these complaints, but as one tumblr describes, Yelp enables anyone with an Internet connection, enough money for a meal, and a sense of entitlement to spew their vitriol. Yelp is a democracy; it is ill suited for The French Laundry, an institution that has never been about inclusiveness. What makes The French Laundry special is its exclusivity. If you want to dine there, you need to make a serious effort. Michelin describes three-star restaurants as those that are worth making a special trip for; that is indeed how you need to approach The French Laundry. Make your reservation, then book the flight.


Sweet butter poached lobster fricasee - Yukon gold potatoes, celery, spicy lobster nuage and tomato bullion

Of course, merely exclusivity doesn't make a great restaurant. Among people who have actually eaten at The French Laundry, many of the complaints I hear are about how it isn't that unique. Looking purely at the cuisine, I agree that some dishes were overseasoned or unbalanced, especially the braised Kurobuta pork jowl. But these misses were minor compared to the transcendent sweet butter poached lobster in a tomato bullion, or the best white peach sorbet I've ever had. Innovative uses of global ingredients kept the flavors varied. When the lobster needed a spicy kick, the chef went to Szechuan peppercorns for a numbing heat rather than something more traditional. Was the food the best I've ever had? Probably not, but The French Laundry experience isn't just eating--it's dining.


The unassuming facade

As you can imagine, the restaurant has a certain type of clientele. Most people who aren't already eating at this caliber restaurant can't even get a reservation. It caters to the people who are there, not to the people who want to be there. Speaking as someone with one foot in that door, who has his share of fine dining experiences, I was still surprised at the level of service and detail. The six top next to me stayed vacant for at least one seating, but rather than rush a dinner, the restaurant would rather keep it empty. There was a sense of no compromise. It was a place designed for special occasions. With the waiters speaking so softly and such small dining spaces, it was among the quietest meal I've had out. Intimate dining at its peak.

What's truly amazing is The French Laundry's staying power. While some other famous restaurants like Spago can remain quality dining options, they haven't been able to consistently top best dining lists year after year. Other chateau-type restaurants have emerged in America, but The French Laundry will always be the epitome by which these restaurants are compared. It defines Napa Valley and Northern California cuisine. It is the three-word answer to American fine dining, and that's what creates a legacy. ^

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SPAIN: SUNSHINE HOLIDAY NEEDN'T COSTA FORTUNE

COSTA DEL PARASOL: Not a cloud on the Malaga coast

We were on the coach from Malaga airport heading for our hotel when the rep dropped the bombshell that it was at the top of a steep road known as Heart Attack Hill. There were gasps and groans from the couples with kids and a few unrepeatables from the lads up the back in their Ireland soccer shirts. We’d all packed our flip-flops, but no one had mentioned anything about bringing crampons as well.

It was my first package holiday — curiosity had finally got the better of me — but less than an hour after stepping off the plane I was beginning to suspect it would be my last. As someone who’s always travelled DIY, I didn’t fancy being declared DOA.

But then the cheeky chappy with the microphone grinned and added: “However, a frequent shuttle bus runs to and from the beach and the forecast is for sunshine all week.”

A big cheer went up. We didn’t know whether to kick or kiss him, but he was right on all three counts. The family-friendly Hotel Spa Benalmadena Palace (www.benalmadenapalace.com) is at the top of a steep hill, there is a regular bus to the beach and for seven days the sun shone from dawn to dusk.

SEARING IS BELIEVING: Street thermometer
and, below, cheap and tasty grilled sardines

Not only that, on the day we arrived the temperature hit 45C (113F. Only slightly hotter were the six succulent sardines I had for lunch with a side salad, bread and a pint of ice-cold lager for €5.40. Sprinkled with crunchy sea salt and grilled over charcoal, they’d been swimming around minding their own business just a few hours before. That’s what you call fresh fish.

Food and drink in the hundreds of restaurants and bars vying for scores of thousands of visitors’ custom in Benalmadena are great value. In the English-owned Wigan Bar on the broad promenade, for example, a hot roast beef and onion baguette costs €3.45 and a pint of San Miguel lager is a gift at €2. Next door in The Potter, €3.50 buys a generous all-day breakfast that will keep you going until dinner and a pint of Strongbow cider is €3.

Both places advertise an extensive, bordering on baffling choice of dishes and there are children’s menus for €3.25, so a filling meal for a family of four can easily be had for around €20. Far from being lucky finds, such bargains are the norm all along the Costa del Sol. The simple fact is that cheap means busy means profit, so everyone’s a winner.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT: Baffling array of menus
and, below, Hotel Spa Benalmadena Palace

Benalmadena Palace is only 20 minutes by bus from the airport and the same from Fuengirola, where holidaymakers who opt for self-catering can fill the fridge from Dunnes Stores.

The hotel provides nightly entertainment (Welsh singer Laura Elen is brilliant) and has a wealth of facilities including outdoor and indoor pools, paddle tennis, a spa and wellness centre, restaurant and cafe and a huge bar with its own pizzeria. There’s also a small but well-stocked shop run by a charming young woman who does so much sweeping she’d be an asset to any Winter Olympics curling team.

Parents will be glad to know there’s a packed programme of supervised children’s activities that continues into the evening, allowing Mum and Dad to relax knowing their kids are in good hands.

Many of the 182 studios and one-bedroom apartments with sit-out balconies have sea views, but the nearby Benalnatura nudist beach is shielded from sight. Good thing too, as some of the bronzed wrinklies who strut their sagging stuff there look like the Iron Age peat bog bodies on display in Dublin’s National Museum.

BEACH BUMS: Benalnatura nudist beach and,
below, thrill-seekers try their hand at parasailing

Drag yourself away from the pool or the beach and there’s hours of fun on the water as well as in it, with dolphin-spotting and pirate ship cruises that leave from the marina. For daredevils who want a bird’s eye view of the coast — and an unavoidable peek at the nudists — tandem parasailing is a thrill. If it’s birdies you’re after, the challenging championship course at Torrequebrada Golf Club (www.golftorrequebrada.com) is very close.

Tivoli World amusement park (www.tivoli.es) in Arroyo de la Miel has 40 rides — including a 60-metre Free Fall Tower — and live dance and music shows every day from 5pm to 1am and is one of the highlights of a visit to the Costa del Sol.

In nearby Torremolinos, Gerry Keown from Newry and Karin Buckley from Dublin are celebrating 25 years in business at the Bailey Irish Pub (4 Calle Maria Barrabino, up Calle San Miguel with the sea at your back and across the main street). I first met them in 1985 when they ran the nearby Harp Bar which they’d bought two years before and which quickly became a home from home for Irish holidaymakers.

Torremolinos has changed dramatically in 25 years, spreading out from its old municipal boundaries to become twice as big, but The Bailey, which opened in August 1987, hasn’t changed a bit, apart from the addition of flat-screen TVs. Chatterbox Gerry’s the same kind-hearted host he always was, and Karin — well, Karin’s great. Disturbingly, while I’ve visibly aged, Gerry and Karin — now the proud parents of three fine boys — look as fresh-faced as they always did. Grrrr.

BAIL AND HEARTY: Karin and Gerry have run
Torremolinos' Bailey Pub for the past 25 years

Popular excursions from Benalmadena include millionaires’ playground Puerto Banus for celeb-spotting and window shopping, Gibraltar with its colony of Barbary apes, the mountain town of Ronda whose Moorish and Roman bridges span a spectacularly-deep gorge, and Granada, home to the magnificent Alhambra Palace.

You’ll need your passport to enter Gibraltar (www.discovergibraltar.com), but you might have to wait a while at the frontier while planes take off and land as the access road crosses the airport runway. It’s a little though lofty bit of Britain that juts into the Mediterranean from the southernmost tip of the Iberian peninsula from where on a haze-free day you can look across the strait and see the Atlas Mountains in Morocco. Tangier is 55 kilometres away by ferry and is among the excursion options, but you spend more time getting there and back than you do on Moroccan soil and return to your hotel exhausted, so I can’t recommend it unless you plan on spending a couple of days there.

Gibraltar, which has an area of just seven square kilometres, is home to 30,000 people. That makes it one of the most densely-populated places in the world, which also makes it a madhouse in high summer when the streets and pubs are full of day-trippers, but if you can put up with the crowds it’s a quaint and quirky experience.

The playful baby and juvenile apes are cute, but some of the adults are cranky and can turn nasty. It’s wise to keep bags and handbags zipped shut and held tight because some of these hairy rock dwellers are skilled thieves, so watch your pockets too.

ROCK 'N' HOLE: Gibraltar Barbary ape and,
below, mountain town Ronda's famed gorge

Ronda is the hometown of legendary torero Pedro Romero (1754-1839) who killed 5,558 bulls in a 27-year career. When he retired from the ring at the age of 45 to teach young bullfighters in Seville, it was without so much as a scratch from his exploits. A fine restaurant bearing his name (www.rpedroromero.com) serves the best rabo de toro (oxtail) in Spain and houses a fascinating collection of more than 1,000 photos, posters, capes, swords, suits of lights and other bullfighting memorabilia.

Bohemian-Austrian poet Rainer Maria Rilke (1875-1926), who kept a room in Ronda’s Hotel Reina Victoria, was so blown away by the local scenery that he wrote in 1908: “I have sought everywhere the city of my dreams, and I have finally found it in Ronda. There is nothing that is more startling in Spain than this wild and mountainous city.”

Orson Welles was a frequent visitor to Ronda (a street is named after him), where he stayed at the ranch of his retired bullfighter friend Antonio Ordoñez. In 1987, two years after his death in California and on what would have been his 72nd birthday, the actor-director’s ashes were lowered into a dry well on the ranch. As his daughter Beatrice wept and a priest prayed, Ordoñez threw a handful of sand from the town’s bullring over the urn and then sealed the well, which sits between two oak trees.

Ernest Hemingway, another bullfighting aficionado, Ronda lover and friend of Ordoñez, also has a street named after him. In his 1940 novel For Whom The Bell Tolls, Hemingway, who covered the Spanish Civil War (1936-1939) as a correspondent, writes of a massacre in which republicans murder hundreds of nationalists by throwing them from the top of some cliffs in an Andalucian village. Although he later claimed to have fabricated the incident, it’s widely believed he based it on a 1936 atrocity that occurred at Ronda’s El Tajo gorge.

HEMING'S WAY: Ronda street is named after
author and, below, Granada's Alhambra Palace

I wasn’t happy with my bill in the Varagua tapas bar close to the Arab Bridge in Granada, so I spoke to the manager, who was taken aback.

“You had a big slice of tortilla and some bread with your beer?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“Then the price is correct.”

This guy must think I’m stupid, I thought, and pointed to the total.

“But look here,” I said. “You’ve only charged me €1.80.”

“That’s right,” said the manager. “The beer is €1.80 and the tortilla and bread are free.”

“Really?”

“Si, señor. In Granada, we are loco.”

In Restaurante Meson Gregorio on the other side of the bridge they’re even more loco — a tapa of meatballs, another of Manchego cheese and a beer cost just €3.20.

I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been in Granada, but despite my long absence I should’ve remembered that once you head up into the mountains the prices go down.

One thing I’ll never forget, though, is arriving at the city’s Washington Irving Hotel in 1986 during my first ever visit. I’d reserved a room over the phone and the receptionist had written my name phonetically, so when she spun the register around for me to sign, there I was — Señor Swine.

LOTS MOOR TO SEE: Inside Alhambra Palace

Traveller, author and US diplomat Irving (1783-1859) wrote The Legend of Sleepy Hollow and Rip Van Winkle, but it’s for his Tales Of The Alhambra that he’s best-known in Spain. The book, first published in 1832 and still selling in big numbers in many languages, is a collection of historical sketches and short fictional stories that paint a picture of daily life in the Alhambra Palace during the Moorish occupation of Spain.

The hilltop Alhambra, built during the mid-14th century and designated a World Heritage Site in 1984, is one of Spain’s premier tourist attractions whose Islamic architecture, intricate arabesque decorations, fountained courtyards and flower-filled gardens leave visitors awestruck. I’ve never in my life seen a more beautiful man-made structure, and I’d urge every holidaymaker heading for the Costa del Sol to chalk it down as a must-see.

TANTASTIC: The busy beach at Benalmadena

I went to Benalmadena during the recent Euro 2012 football finals and spotted the lads from the back of the airport coach moping over their beers after the Ireland-Spain match. But the gloom of that 4-0 defeat didn’t last long — five minutes after the final whistle they were leading a green-shirted conga line in a rousing rendition of “Viva España” followed by “You’ll Never Beat The Spanish”.

With lager at €2 a pint, they certainly had something to sing about.

GETTING THERE

Thomas Cook Ireland fly direct to the Costa del Sol from Dublin every Saturday.

Seven nights self-catering at the 4-star Benalmadena Palace (www.benalmadenapalace.com) costs from €716 per person sharing departing August 11, or upgrade to all-inclusive from €1,162pps. The same deal departing September 15 costs from €635 self-catering and €905 all-inclusive. Seven nights all-inclusive for a family of four departing August 11 costs from €3,082. Prices include flights, accommodation, transfers, baggage allowance, taxes and charges.

Most travel agents in Benalmadena offer a wide range of day excursions with several pick-up and drop-off points close to hotels. Typical prices are Marbella/Puerto Banus sightseeing €15, Gibraltar shopping €20, Ronda sightseeing €35 and Granada sightseeing €55 including Alhambra admission and English-speaking guide. Tickets bought from hotel receptions are generally dearer.

˜Call Thomas Cook Ireland on 01 514 0328 or visit www.thomascook.ie

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